


Self

by TheLovers



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Clones, Grieving, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Washuu!Hide, co-dependency issues, he'll get better though, kaneki ken takes many different forms and Hide loves each one of them, more tags will follow as the story progresses, quinx!Haise, sad!Hide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 02:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6782503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLovers/pseuds/TheLovers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can change. You can stay the same. But either way, you are still you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The latest chapter has burnt me asunder and then melted me back together. Here's some more HideKane feels to drown in. Starts off kind of sad and Hide's probably a little ooc in his misery. Regardless of that, I hope you enjoy~

... _Self_ -destructive...

* * *

 

Hide had tried to help. He had tried to save him. He had done everything he could. But it still ended up like this. With him drunk and delirious in a dark room, because he could no longer stand the light.

He registered another knock on the door, but he ignored it. It was probably someone coming to tell him he needed to eat, or bath, or get out of this room. Something. Anything, but just wasting away like he currently was.

_Why am I here?_

_Where's Kane-_

Oh right. Kaneki was dead. Dead and supposedly stuck in the fancy urn he was hugging tighter than his current vice. There was definitely something in there. He'd checked of course, but he was only able to verify that it was indeed ashes. The CCG had told him they'd save Kaneki and that had been a lie. So when they handed him an urn of his friend's remains, he'd been skeptical. Regardless if it was Kaneki or not, he clung to it like it was.

It was too dark and Hide was too drunk to see shit, but he could perfectly envision the glorified jar Kaneki was contained in. It was grey – the same shade as his friend's melancholy gaze and gravestones. And neatly printed on the front, were the characters for his friend's name. There were no birth or death details. No details about the kind of person Kaneki had been. Not even a 'In Loving Memory'.

That didn't matter though, because Hide had all those little details burned into his memory. The gentleness of his eyes. The shyness of his smile. The way he could be so accepting of everyone but himself. Hide couldn't forget no matter how much everyone wanted him to.

He idly rubbed the engraving of Kaneki's name like one would rub a magic lantern. Maybe a genii would pop out and grant his wish of being reunited with Kaneki. Or better yet, maybe Kaneki would pop out and grant Hide's wish himself. He'd make a great genii with that desire of his to make everyone happy.

"Hey, Kaneki buddy," he whispered, rubbing the smooth surface over and over, "Wake up sleepy head. Come out and grant my wish."

He continued to stroke the urn as he began to offer bribes. "Come on 'Neki. I'll buy you as many books as you want. I'll take you out for burgers. Or coffee. Or people," he laughed a little, "Or me. Whatever you want."

He knocked lightly on the lid, but of course there was no response.

"Please," he rasped, "Please."

"Kaneki." He curled his body further around the cold stone as his energy dwindled. "Kaneki."

"Kaneki."

"Kaneki."

"Kanekiiiii."

His voice was beginning to slur and seize from a mixture of alcohol and emotions. Yet he continued to call out as if his friend would eventually answer.

But there was no answer. Just like there had been no answer to his text messages. Or emails. Or phone calls.

"I want to see you again," he pleaded, head resting against his best friend's name.

He could feel himself slipping off into a dream and he knew it would be a sad one.

"Rabbits can die of loneliness."

_I'm so lonely without you._

* * *

 

Just like he predicted, his dream was a sad one.

In his dream, Kaneki had told him he hated him. He'd cursed him and blamed him with viciousness Hide had never seen before. And though Hide had cried and apologized ceaselessly in his dream, he woke up with a smile. After all, he'd gotten to see Kaneki even if it was only a nightmare.

Clinging to that bit of good, Hide decided today was a better day. Meaning he actually decided to venture outside for sunlight and sustenance. He took Kaneki along with him of course, not minding the stares in the slightest. Whether they were staring because of his disheveled appearance or his unusual companion, he didn't know. Either way, he didn't mind the stares, but he worried for Kaneki. His friend had always been one to shrink at too much attention. Hide found himself staring at the urn and thinking that if his friend shrunk anymore, he'd disappear. The thought made him grip the urn a little more tightly.

But today was a good day he had to remind himself. He plopped himself down on a bench, settling his tagalong down beside him. He tried to people watch like he used to, observing people and pondering what they were like beyond their public masks. But after a while of his attention continuously wandering, he gave up.

He thought about going back and holing himself up again, but he really didn't have the energy to drag himself off the bench. Besides, he reasoned, it's not like the weather is terrible. It was a bit too sunny and breezy, but Hide didn't really mind.

With a sigh, he switched his gaze towards the sky to idly cloud watch. He'd comment every once in a while when he saw a peculiar one, but he was growing a bit discouraged by the lack of response he was receiving. Not that this was Kaneki's fault of course.

His eyes tracked a cluster of clouds as they trekked across the sky and suddenly he was staring directly into the sun. Even as he felt his eyes burn with tears, he kept up his staring contest. It was probably bad for his eyes, he reasoned, recalling all the times adults had nagged him to be wary of the sun.

But at this point, he didn't really care. Let him go blind. It wasn't like there was anyone around he cared to see.

That was his problem these days. He couldn't bring himself to care for anything. He could feel himself fading further away. He didn't know where he was going, but he could feel himself leaving.

'Stop that,' he lightly scolded himself for being so melodramatic and pessimistic, 'What would Kaneki say?'

"NO! Don't go! Come back!" he heard Kaneki desperately yell.

Hide chuckled. Yeah, his best friend would say something like that.

"My report! Shit, I need to turn that in!" he heard him yell again.

Hide frowned lightly. That wasn't…something his dear departed best friend would say. At least not something Hide would imagine him saying. But if he didn't imagine that voice then…

Brain fuzzy with confusion, he slowly tore his damaged eyes from its one way contest only to-

Only to be smacked in the face with a rogue piece of paper.

"What the hell…" Hide mumbled.

"Ah," he heard someone gasp, "I'm so sorry! So sorry, sir! The wind! It just tore it right out of my hand! Goodness, I'm so sorry!"

Feeling like he'd finally lost his mind, Hide willed his suddenly numb body to move. To take off his impromptu, paper blindfold. And to look upon-

"Kaneki."

The stranger blinked at him in confusion. So again, Hide repeated himself.

"Kaneki!"

And again.

" **KANEKI.** "

By this point, he was scaring the poor guy. But the moment he saw the guy try to take a step back, try to leave him alone again, Hide's body acted on its own. And suddenly, he was latched onto the unfortunate stranger and crying all over him.

" _Kanekiiii_ ," he blubbered, "Thought you were dead, man! Missed you sooo much, _Kanekiii!_ "

Kaneki was trying to say something, but his stuttering couldn't be heard over Hide's loud, relieved sobbing.

"Rabbits die of loneliness!" he reminded, before vowing, "Never let you go again!"

Seeming to relent, Kaneki gave a few awkward pats to Hide's trembling back, letting him just cry it all out. Unfortunately, Hide had lots of emotions to cry out.

But his year of inactivity was catching up to him, as he grew weaker and ended up having to cling to Kaneki as his body gave up on him. Luckily, Kaneki seemed to have no such problem supporting both of their weights. Gently prying Hide off, he lowered the emotional man to the bench he'd been sitting on before he'd attempted to hug-tackle him.

"Um I'm sorry, sir, but you see…" he coughed nervously, as the seated man's eyes locked onto him, "But I'm not Kaneki."

This took a while to compute to Hide, but luckily this man who claimed to not be Kaneki was just as patient as the man he claimed not to be. With disbelieving eyes, he trailed the man's form before him.

Sure, his hair was different, but it had been different the last time he'd seen him too. It looked like his black hair was growing in over the white, which had to be a good sign. His finger nails were also back to a healthy shade. And maybe he'd also started dressing in more professionally stylish clothes.

'Pinstripe pants?' he thought in a stupor.

But other than that, there was no denying this was his best friend. "You're not Kaneki?" he asked for clarification.

"I'm not Kaneki," the man reaffirmed. He gave a polite smile and offered his hand for a shake, "I'm Sasaki Haise."

Hide took his hand, but didn't shake it or let it go, even when Haise started to look uncomfortable.

Hide really couldn't understand what had happened to make his friend assume another identity, but he was sure it was Kaneki's hand he was holding.

'Memory loss? Brainwashing?' he pondered, his other hand coming up to join his other and hug the one he'd captured. 'Either way, I'll give him back his memories. Or I'll give him plenty of new ones.'

"I'm Hide and you're Kaneki," he introduced them both with a renewed determination, "We're best friends."

Haise's eyes darted away nervously from the intensity of Hide's, only to finally spot the urn. Upon reading the name, his eyes softened with sympathy. 'Kaneki Ken, huh? So he was talking about that Kaneki. And this must be his best friend?'

The dual-haired man seemed to wilt, sitting next to the distraught man who was still clinging to his hand as if afraid to lose him. Haise felt like they should both be sitting for what he was about to say, "I'm sorry, but I really am not Kaneki. At least, not in the same sense."

Hide could understand that was partially true, but he still chose to stubbornly repeat himself, "Trust me, you're definitely Kaneki Ken."

"I'm sorry," Haise repeated, seeming pained to do so, "That's just not possible. You see, I'm not human. I'm a – "

"A ghoul? A monster? I don't care about that, man," Hide waved off his friend's concerns, flashing a nostalgic smile, "You're still my best friend."

Haise, caught off guard by the absolute love and acceptance beaming from that smile, found himself stuttering through his denials. "Oh no, I'm not a – well, I guess in a way – but that's not what I meant."

"Hide-san," he sighed, his free hand coming to rest on the dogpile of hands. His grey eyes grew somber as he leveled him with a serious gaze. "I'm not Kaneki Ken, because…"

"I'm his clone."


	2. Self-help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ Thank you so much for the reviews and support!

... _Self_ -help...

* * *

"Ah," the Bureau Director looked up as his door was slammed open, "It's good to see you out of your room, Hideyos– " he began, only to be interrupted by Hide who had no patience for his father's bullshit.

"Clones," he seethed, halting abruptly in his charge. His hands clenched into angry fists as his father's eyes lit in recognition. Behind him, he could feel the mentioned clone flutter nervously. Haise, bless his soul, had been trying to talk him out of his recklessness the whole way. But even after stomping three full blocks and a long elevator ride, Hide hadn't run out of anger to express.

His father gave a sigh, his usually playful features straightening with seriousness. "I see you and Haise have met."

'How many more? When did this - ? Is Kaneki still…? Why? Why?! WHY?' Hide's thoughts were like angry bees, buzzing and stinging him in their agitation. There was so much he wanted answers for, but not enough clarity to even begin questioning. So he settled with a simple, "Explain."

Luckily, his father seemed to understand just how important this all was to him. "The first thing you should probably know is that Kaneki Ken is indeed dead."

Hearing it again, was just as devastating as the first time. Even if he'd been living that reality for a while, it still hurt to have his brief bit of hope thoroughly crushed. He felt the majority of the angry bees die off suddenly. "But then how –"

"While most of Kaneki Ken's remains have been cremated and entrusted to you," the older man paused, gesturing to the urn wrapped securely in Hide's arms, "Some of the tissue was preserved and used for cloning," his arm swung over to gesture at a bashful Haise who gave an awkward wave. "However, the cloning process has been extremely costly with limited results. Besides Haise, there is only one other successful clone that was created. Thus, the project has been terminated."

Hide took in the information as calmly as he could, his eyes watching his father's face for any signs of dishonesty. 'Probably not outright lying,' Hide concluded, his suspicion only growing, 'But definitely bending the truth and still hiding something.'

The elder Washuu could sense that his son's curiosity hadn't been sated, but a brief glance at his pile of unfinished paperwork quickly had him changing gears. All the same, he knew he couldn't leave his son unattended when he was in such a dangerous state. His boy would probably try to crusade around the CCG looking for someone he wouldn't find. What he needed was a distraction.

His eyes shot to the tense young man behind his son and he couldn't help but feel sorry for what he was about to do. But then again, almost everyone knew to escape any vicinity where there was a flare up of Washuu family drama. He'd learn one day, but until then…"While Sasaki Haise is not Kaneki Ken, perhaps you two should talk. Get to know one another. I think it'll be good for the both of you to chat a little."

Hide gave his father an unimpressed stare, fully knowing his plan. Then again, he was curious about this clone of Kaneki, so he'd take the bait.

He reigned in his irritation, reminding himself that it wasn't Haise he was angry with, and smiled at the poor guy behind him. "Coffee, then?" he suggested as genially as he could, but it still came out a little brittle.

Sensing Hide's stress, Haise hurriedly agreed so they could escape.

* * *

 

"This is a nice place," Hide offered, looking around at a quaint little coffee shop they had settled in at. It was pretty average in appearance, but the atmosphere was soothing and provided a sense of privacy.

"And the coffee's pretty good, too," Haise added with a smile. Hide noted that Haise did that a lot. _Just like Kaneki_ , he thought.

He violently cut off his thoughts, before he could make even more comparisons. "You've been here before?"

"Well, no," the suddenly flustered man admitted, "But my nose kagune told me so."

Hide's eyebrows raised a little at the information Haise had let slip during his little boast. He figured that there was probably something ghouly about him, considering his connection to his late half-ghoul bud and the CCG's involvement, but he still wasn't sure to what extent. And while he wanted to just bluntly ask, it was kind of an awkward topic. 'So how human are you?' probably wouldn't go over well. So instead, he decided to pull at the loose thread he'd been given and just hope it would unravel everything. "Nose kagune, huh?"

"Oh," Haise belatedly realized his little word spill. "Well, you see..." he trailed off nervously, his eyes darting to the urn tucked into Hide's side.

Hide made a conscious effort to soften his eyes and smile as he offered, "Are you the same? Like how Kaneki was?"

"Not exactly," Haise began to explain, Hide's accepting nature seeming to open him up, "I'm actually something called a 'Quinx'. We're artificial hybrids just like half-ghouls, except for the," he coughed a little, "Well, the appetite part."

"Sooo," Hide digested this new information, "you can eat hamburgers then?"

"And cake and pie and all the ice cream I can afford!" he cheered, clearly suffering from a major case of sweet tooth. Catching himself, he tried to adopt a more serious expression as he went on to explain, "Our kakuhou implants are coated in quinque metal. So, I guess it's actually kind of like we have quinques implanted in us."

"That's pretty cool," Hide said, because honestly, it kind of was. "And there are others like you?"

"Yep, there's four others so far. And I'm their mentor," Haise's smile had resurfaced as he began his spiel about his "perfect little angels". He only stopped briefly to thank the waiter when their coffee arrived, before diving right back into bragging about how wonderful his students were. All the while, Haise poured in an alarming amount of cream and sugar into his cup. It had been a while since Hide had anything but black coffee, so he was a little disturbed to see Haise's apparent addiction.

Hide hadn't met theses "perfect little angels" yet, but he had the feeling they were anything but. It wasn't that he thought Haise was lying out of his ass, but more like they sounded too good to be true. It was entirely possible that Haise's overwhelming affection for them was blinding him to their faults. 'Love is blind and all that stuff,' Hide dismissed. When he tuned back in from his analysis, the proud surrogate parent was still raving about his wonderful children.

"And Mutsuki-kun is so responsible! He's a little shy, but he's also really brave. And he - Oh," he cut off abruptly as his phone went off. He checked the screen and then offered up an apologetic smile. "It's Mutsuki-kun."

Hide was honestly a little relieved for the reprieve. Not that he wasn't enjoying Haise's company, but it had been so long since he interacted with anyone. And despite their differences, it was painful to be around someone who was so much like Kaneki when he had Kaneki's encapsulated remains digging into his side to remind him otherwise. It was breaking his already broken heart anew and he kind of just wanted to crawl back home and stare blankly at walls for awhile. However, he still needed answers and he couldn't really just storm back to his father's office.

"- and you're doing great, Mutsuki. I'll be back in a bit, so please hold everyone together just a little longer," Haise said as he wrapped up the phone call. "Sorry about that, I just had to make sure they were all okay."

"Nah, it's cool man," Hide waved him off, eager to get back to his questions, "So I've been meaning to ask, but is the other, uh, clone," he verbally stumbled a little, still not used to the idea, "How's - Is he...like you, too?"

"It's okay. I don't mind talking about it," Haise assured. He seemed to do a lot of that, too. "About the other clone, he's...well, he's a little different."

At Hide's uncomprehending look, the quinx reluctantly went on, "Something went wrong with his creation. I think he's in a state similar to one Kaneki Ken was in."

"A half-ghoul?" Hide asked.

Haise grimly nodded, "We're not that close, but I think he's a little bitter about that."

"I would be, too." Hide was already bitter about a lot of the things the CCG had done. Maybe he'd get along well with this other clone. He thought of how much Kaneki had struggled with his nature and felt a pull in himself. He had to meet him. "Do you know where I could find him?"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Haise tried to dissuade him, "He's a little scary."

"But you do know where he is right?" he pushed on anyways. He felt a little bad about the internal conflict he was putting Haise through, but he couldn't just abandon any part of Kaneki. Especially, if they were suffering the same circumstances.

Haise hesitated a bit, before reaching for his phone. "Here, I'll message you his assistant's contact info. That's the best way to reach him. This way, you'll have my information, too."

Hide eagerly reached for his pocket, only to realize he didn't have any. Right, he had forgotten that he was pretty much wearing pajamas. He hadn't intended to do anything but venture to the park today and stare at the sun, but he still should have at least changed out of his sleep wear. Factor in his can of Kaneki, and it was no wonder people had been gawking at him all day.

"I don't have my phone," he admitted. In fact, he wasn't sure where it even was or if it still worked. The last time he could recall seeing the damn thing, he'd been reading his text messages and emails from Kaneki over and over again.

Haise seemed to just have remembered Hide's apparel as well which only worsened Hide's embarrassment. Only escalating his mortification, the waiter arrived with their bill which led Hide to another unpleasant discovery.

"I don't have my wallet either," he mumbled into the table as he let his head drop. "Man, I'm so sorry. I'm a mess."

"It's alright, it's alright," Haise leaned over to pat his shoulder. Hide had to restrain himself from cozying up to the guy, "I'm used to covering for my squad and Juuzou, so I was going to treat you anyways."

Hide lifted his head to re-evaluate the person across from him. "You, sir, are an actual angel."

Haise's face lit up with a blush as he tried to deny such a proclamation. He wasn't exactly making a strong argument against him being a heavenly being. Especially when he offered to safely escort Hide home.

So with his best friend's remains and his clone in tow, Hide returned to his hidey-hole for the day.

* * *

 

True to his word, Haise had accompanied him home. He even took it a step further, and made sure he got to his room just fine since Hide did look pretty pitiful. However, the even more pitiful state of his room finally broke whatever business appropriate distance Haise had been trying to maintain. He'd flipped into 'Mom mode' and there was no stopping him until both Hide and his room were in a more "healthy" condition.

As much as he appreciated all the attention and care, he was exhausted. Haise had simultaneously spoiled him rotten and nagged his ear off all the while the maids peaked in to watch the spectacle. They seemed thoroughly impressed by the man working absolute miracles on Hide and his habitat. He could hear murmurs of "I haven't seen his bedroom floor in months" and "I'd forgotten how nice the Young Master looks when he's taken care of properly" and "That mystery man is an an absolute angel."

Hide at least agreed with that last one. Though Haise had tried to say otherwise, it was clear he was some sort of God-sent creature. Hide wouldn't be all too surprised if the CCG had thrown in some angel DNA for the hell of it when they'd been creating the Quinx.

It had taken a few hours, but eventually Haise's reign of care had been stopped by a desperate call from one of his kids. Hide had only been able to catch the words "fire" and "not our fault" to know that his speculations had been right. Before rushing off to avert whatever disaster they had caused in his absence, Haise had scribbled down the contact information he needed. He'd also promised/threatened to come back and make sure Hide was taking care of himself.

While he was half-dreading being checked up on, it was also kind of nice. It had been a long time since he had felt anything but empty.

Any dredges of warmth bled right out of him as he finally read the name of the contact Haise had left for him.

He'd been told that if he wanted to talk to the other clone, he'd first have to talk to his assistant.

Unfortunately, this assistant happened to be Furuta Nimura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh, it looks like another cliff hanger (kind of). It looks like Furuta has weaseled his way into this fic and I'm pretty sure you can guess just who his boss is. Sorry to leave things so precariously, but I hope to return soon.
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for reading and showing your support. It really makes writing a less lonely process, ya know? That said, please let me know your thoughts or predictions. If you have any questions, please feel free to send those my way.
> 
> And most importantly, please have a happy and safe day.

**Author's Note:**

> And oops there it is~ Sorry to leave it there, but I'll try to update soon :')
> 
> So what did you think? Any kudos, bookmarks and/or comments will be much loved and appreciated, so please let me know. Even a simple ":(" or ":)" will make my day~
> 
> This is also posted under my pen name Dotti3 on my old Fanfiction.net account. I'm saying that just in case you saw it there too and were about to attack me for the sake of me. I mean, if you still want to attack me on my behalf, go ahead. Kick my ass for me. You go bae, I'll hold your flower.
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it and that you have a wonderful day!


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